I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
