4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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