It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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