I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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