Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
