She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
the liver wants what the liver wants
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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