Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so that wasnt chicken after all
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
