i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
