so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
