I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
