Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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