hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
