she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
