even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Randomize
