you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
