Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
