I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i think i just lost a toe
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
