My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
