forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
