My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
