Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
