No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
