Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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