you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
