I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
