I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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