I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
