he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Boobs speak an international language.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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