Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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