she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
