My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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