no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
