You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
