just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
