WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
