How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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