I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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