New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
