I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
