He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
