ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
