he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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