I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
