In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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