just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
