Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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