There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Randomize
