If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
