i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
They have beer where we have blood.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
