She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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