Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
