Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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